THE IMPORTANCE OF PRAISE IS UNDENIABLE...
Do we instinctively praise our children? All the time? The honest answer is probably not. But we really ought to, and
here’s why: The importance of praise is undeniable. Self-confidence,
self-esteem, independence, and a general positive outlook on life is forged
through praising children. Not to mention, they thrive on it.
But do we praise them in the right manner? That
may sound odd but if we don’t actually communicate the reason why we’re
praising the child, can it mean anything to them? It’s so easy only to say
“well done” and not explain why you are saying “well done.”
THE NEED FOR GENUINE PRAISE
Dr. Rachel Johnson, a Clinical Psychologist,
whose area of expertise includes positive parenting support, says of
praise, “Praise makes it easier for our children to learn and develop. But it
is important to be clear on what you are praising. Empty praise is not only meaningless,
but can affect a child’s performance and confidence in the long run.
“Genuine praise is essential. If you don't mean it,
don't say it - even young children are surprisingly good at picking up when
you're faking.
“I see a lot of critical praise at my clinic;
where parents try to teach in the same sentence e.g. 'Well done - you got
dressed all by yourself - next time maybe you can make your bed too?!' This
only invalidates and undermines the positive message.
“I’d encourage parents to remember that
praising effort is just as important as praising success; telling a
child well done for trying, is as important as celebrating success.”
PRAISE EARLY
Babies and children will repeat a behaviour
that earns a response, be it good or bad. If you consistently praise desirable
behaviour and ignore undesirable behaviour, they’re more likely to behave as
you would like them to. Likewise, if you ignore your little one playing
happily, and only give attention when they do something wrong, you encourage
them to repeat negative behaviour.
AFFECTION COUNTS
Although reinforcing good behaviour and praising your little one vocally is key, you can also demonstrate praise using affection. For affection is praise in its most fundamental of forms. A cuddle or affectionate pat on the head automatically rewards your child, and often speaks louder than words.
Although reinforcing good behaviour and praising your little one vocally is key, you can also demonstrate praise using affection. For affection is praise in its most fundamental of forms. A cuddle or affectionate pat on the head automatically rewards your child, and often speaks louder than words.
LEAD BY EXAMPLE
A great way to help your little one understand
what is right from what is wrong is to lead by example. Showing your child how
to tidy away the bricks by doing it with them will result in a sense of
achievement for them, as well as reinforcing the positive behaviour.
DISTRACTION TECHNIQUE
As parents, we have to learn to distract our
children before their focus shifts to negative behaviour. Distraction works
with children of all ages, whether it be taking a baby into another room, a
toddler to the window to look at the birds, or a pre-schooler over to a new
activity. The key thing to remember is that as we distract them, we ought to be
saying a firm “no” - setting or reinforcing boundaries. And if they’re older,
talking to them when all is calm, pointing out right from wrong.
Turning a negative situation to a positive one
(wherever possible) can have tremendous effect. Indeed, being a proactive
parent, anticipating problems and preventing them developing with the use of
distraction, is definitely one answer to a smooth running household.
And if distraction doesn’t work? The naughty
step technique can be effective. By removing the child from the situation where
they misbehaved and giving a time out, (professionals advise one minute for
each year of the child’s age).
OTHER INCENTIVES
Of course there are other ways for children to
learn good behaviour. Creating a reward chart with your child is a great
incentive. However, do be aware of the impact a reward chart may have on your
child. It should allow them to see that they are a success, not a failure.
Surprise rewards work well too, but it is not
necessarily a trip to the toyshop that has the most impact. It might be
something as simple as letting the child help you in the kitchen.
THINKING PHYSICALLY
It is worth keeping in mind, that if a child is
hungry, tired or unwell, (particularly if they’re coming down with something),
they may be more assertive than usual. Growth spurts can also be a trigger for
challenging behaviour, as can a growing child simply trying to find their place
in the wider world.
Keep in mind too, that children won’t always be
in control of themselves or know why they’re suddenly prone to emotional
outbursts. Indeed, on occasion they may well be equally as shocked as the
parent by the furor that ensues from within. Remember when your child suddenly
throws tantrum after tantrum, it could be due to physical changes. Hormone
surges are said to begin around age five, and can cause an imbalance to a
child’s equilibrium.
POSITIVE PARENTING
Dr Johnson says, “Positive parenting clearly
comes from giving praise that is said at the time it is warranted, and, with
genuine feeling. But sometimes it is simply about a more natural and genuine
response; noticing what your child is doing and not praising them at all, but
responding with a big smile, saying, ‘You did that all by yourself.’”
Where possible, we need to help our children
develop a sense of pride, confidence and build self-esteem. If we manage this
and praise our children along the way, hopefully the results will be revealed
to us when our babies/toddlers/rising five-year-olds grow up, and fingers
crossed, flourish into happy, confident and independent beings before our very
eyes.
Ten top tips to positive parenting
1) Make sure your praise is genuine and
meaningful.
2) Praise effort as well as achievement.
3) Use positivity, praise and hugs to reinforce
good behaviour, and do your best to
ignore less desirable behaviour.
4) Use distraction e.g. when your child is too
boisterous, lead them into a quiet activity.
5) Keep in mind that toddlers will gradually
understand how you want them to behave.
6) Do not laugh at bad behaviour; try to lead
by example.
7) Remember to criticise the action, rather
than the child.
8) Try to pre-empt a negative situation coming
and turn it on its head.
9) If you say or do something you regret,
explain that you did not mean it and say you are sorry with a cuddle.
10) Consistency is key.
My thanks to Dr Rachel Johnson, a Clinical Psychologist who
works with families and children of all ages with behavioural, emotional and development
issues. www.thefamilypsychologist.co.uk