BONDING WITH YOUR BABY

BONDING WITH YOUR BABY

Sometimes in life, things just don’t go as planned. But when your firstborn suddenly ends up in special care… well no one plans for that. Here, writer Emma Oliver remembers bonding with her baby and speaks to a baby wellness and childcare expert...

1 in 10 babies need (EXTRA) SPECIAL CARE - A feature

1 in 10 babies need special care

This week, World Prematurity day has recognised the babies born too soon. Someone I know recently gave birth to twin girls - born 10 weeks early. The following texts reveal something about life for this new mum, who like millions of others, has been totally thrown in at the deep end. Then the following feature, hopes to reveal something about life as it is on a neonatal ward.

What have you done today to make you feel proud? Happiness & hope

I was approached recently by World Vision - who are trying to spread the word about Ethiopia’s recovery from famine - to share a picture I feel represents happiness and hope.

LIFE AS IT IS... Giving up a comforter proves harder for Mummy!

I've made a cuppa and am writing this post while my 5 & 2yo daughters are separated. In their bedrooms they now play alone, as quite clearly today, they cannot play together. Esme winds Fia up. Fia bites back. Literally.

I have my suspicions as to why... Sofia Faith dropped her dummy at night this week, and has gone into a bed. Two massive hurdles. Some would say too much in one go - and they are probably right. It happened that way:

Ahoy there mates! About that there Bounty of freebies, and a whole lot more, that you don't necessarily want...(2)

I had two children three years apart and each experience with the Bounty rep was negative. Sadly. Although the first was far worse. 

To recap: Nursery nursing, snot & job satisfaction

Week two of training as a nursery nurse in a special needs nursery, and for some reason this little one had taken to me. Probably because Downs syndrome children are so full of affection. She had a bad cold, the sort where permanent train tracks of snot conjoin nose and mouth. Her glasses were skewed; barely on. Her knotted hair wild. Her smile massive. She was deaf. But as I hammered on the floor in front of the tunnel that she motored through, she felt the vibration. She looked up at me. Her smile enlarged. The gap between us closed. She reached me. She threw herself upon me. Laughing. Hugging. Holding me close. She pulled her head back to look into my eyes. To check I laughed too. As she did so, the spaghetti string of snot, stretched out bridging the two of us. Her world, her silent world, was loud, noisy and full to the brim with happiness. I remember thinking, I don't know if I'll ever find this level of job satisfaction again. I'm not sure I ever did.

FOOTNOTE: I wanted to add that I since found an amazing level of job satisfaction. Clearly I am totally happy with my LIFE AS IT IS as mum and with the writing/creative work I am able to do. With every blank page that becomes written and worked up, I am fulfilled. But, the point that I was trying to make above, is that the sort of satisfaction that particular scene gave me as a 17-year-old trainee, remains untouchable. It always will. It was a one-off moment in my life. 

What if... it had been a Downs syndrome baby?

I've just found out a friend, who is 19 weeks pregnant, has received much anticipated great news. Her amnio result is negative. She was given a 1: 22 chance of her baby having Downs syndrome. 

It has been a period of waiting ever since she found out she was pregnant. After waiting for her 12 week scan, with complete intrepidation that there maybe more than one baby (she was on Clomid), she then had to wait the further time frame for the amnio due to the high risk, and then had to wait over a week for the result. 

She has handled it all brilliantly given the situation. Knowing she would have chosen to abort if it had been Downs was a conversation we had. No matter what degree of severity, she would have chosen to take drugs to stimulate labour and terminate the pregnancy; the baby. A much longed for sibling of an about to turn five-year-old sister. 

I could only imagine the internal battle my friend was having - her head saying don't connect with this baby - it may not be for keeps. Her heart telling her not to listen to such nonsense, to bond with the babe within. And with all her motherly might. 

The magic man - A post on Cranial Osteopathy

Ok, Mac is fixed again, so onwards and upwards, oh and downwards... 

For me, life with a newborn at home was very up and down. One of the ups was taking Esme to see a simply quite lovely man. No, not her consultant, but a cranial osteopath named Chris Grey.

I wasn’t sure about cranial osteopathy, but this guy came highly recommended by the maternity matron. And as far as I was concerned, anything she suggested was definitely worth checking out. 

All I knew was that in those very early days when I held Esme, she screamed. When Simon held Esme, she screamed. In fact, when anyone held Esme, she pretty much screamed. Accept for that is, Chris Grey. The cranial osteopath. Who also became known in our house as the magic man.

Digressing randomly… I wish the magic man to be my grandpop in a future life. Along with Professor Robert Winston as the other one.

Anyway, the magic man. Picture this… ever so slightly wild hair, bright corduroy trousers, a floral waistcoat, piccolo in hand, sat beneath a Bodhi tree. Throw in a soft approach, calm aura, overall scruffiness and complete befuddlement, and you pretty much have Chris Grey.

His work place named The Wishing Well, oozes serenity. Not an ounce of technology can be found within it, only endearment and humanity. Oh and a bloody great cranial osteopath. For we entered the Wishing Well totally sceptic, and stepped out totally convinced. It was just plain weird how Esme stopped crying immediately he took her. What did he do? He asked for my pregnancy history and Esme’s birth experience and then ever so gently massaged and manipulated her little head and body.  Remarkably, it helped.

For more info on this subject, there's a great book:

'Osteopathy for children', written by Elizabeth C Hayden D.O.

ISBN 0 9532542 0 8 

Chris Grey 

The Wishing Well, 
Petersfield, 
Hants 

PH: 01730 233802

 

 

 

Down to earth with a bump (31) - All tissued out

This was the term given to when the cannula had run its course and needed to be replaced. It was also a term I came to dread. Esme had had them everywhere on her body, lasting a couple of days max, eventually all had tissued out. As I carried her towards the SCBU, I was aware that the next cannula was to be inserted in the top of her head. I walked slowly. Tears fell fast.

I had left the clear perspex cot on wheels behind this time. I wanted to hold my baby close. Matron soon put pay to that. I was stopped short in my tracks. “Where’s the cot Emma? You know Esme should always be transported in the cot to the SCBU.” I pulled my baby in tighter to me, “But I wanted to hold her this time.” She could see I was in bits and led me to a side room. Someone collected Esme as I collected myself. The Matron helped enormously; placating, reassuring, soothing.

Very quickly after, a consultant appeared. He came in the room quietly. He had a kind face and smiled with his eyes. Bald as a coot mind. I later found out he was a father of five. So it’s true then: the follically challenged are fertile men.

God he was attractive, not in a catalogue way. Perhaps it was simply a case of – I’m not sure what it is called actually, but I can liken it to Stockholm Syndrome, where the captured falls in love with the captor, a psychological phenomenon, a traumatic bonding.

Anyway, here was a man who saved Esme from having to have a cannula inserted in her head. Here was a man who thought that ten days of intravenous antibiotics were enough. Here was a man willing to override his peers’ prescription of 14 days. Here was a man that was the most human example of a doctor I’ve ever met.

I was drawn to him that very moment. And then when he discharged us later that same day, I knew I’d fallen completely.

After being discharged we took Esme to see her consultant regularly for a couple of years. I wonder if Simon noticed my skirts getting shorter in length every visit? I know the doctor never did. Shame! 

Note from author: Irrational thoughts are most definitely allowed as blog content…

What have you done today to make you feel proud? - Extra Special Care (II)

BLISS, the special care baby charity, provides vital support and care to premature and sick babies and their families across the UK. 

Any donations will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

The BLISS Parent Support Helpline is 0500 618 140 or you can visit

www.bliss.org.uk

Down to earth with a bump (30) - Extra Special Care (I)

Although she appeared to be fine, there was always the question hanging over us. And then there was another question. Do you want your baby to continue with the intravenous antibiotics or do you want to take her home and wait for signs of meningitis to appear? I think we chose to do what any new parent put in that position would chose; to carry on. 

In hindsight would I have continued with the drugs? I’m actually not sure I would have done. As a result of such strong antibiotics at birth, and so many of them, Esme was left with a weakened immune system that would see us back at hospital only two weeks after being discharged. And then for her entire first year of life we were back and forth. It was difficult. But one thing is for sure, the staff at the hospital, and especially the dedicated SCBU team, helped lessen that degree of difficulty. 

The next post is to support all their dedication and hard work.

Down to earth with a bump (29) Was it meningitis?

Was it or wasn’t it? Truth is, we’ll never know for sure as the lumbar puncture was missed. Not carried out. And it would appear that having a baby born in to the world on a Friday at nearly midnight was the reason. Communication never seems to be relayed in quite the same way as it does between staff Mon-Thurs’s. So anyway, the lumbar puncture never happened (there is a short window when it can be carried out in a newborn – between birth and 48 hours old) and obviously I was sort of happy about that. But then again not, as we never did know the full extent of what was wrong with her. To be honest, I hung on to the fact that compared to some of those babies in the SCBU, Esme quite honestly appeared to be fine.

Down to earth with a bump (27) - Friends and lettuces

Simon came and went according to the hospital’s visiting hours, but always as he left, a hollowness arrived. I hated being away from him as I never knew when a doctor would appear to talk to me about my baby’s health; her future. 

It was no surprise that I found some solace by taking up with two mums on the ward. Both mums of twins born the same time as Esme, Andrea was opposite and Elinor was next to. Andrea’s baby girls were on the ward. Elinor’s baby boys were in special care. Esme was on the ward as they had run out of room in the SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit), but had to be taken for visits night and day for checks and intravenous antibiotics. Together through all the ups and downs, the three of us laughed and cried.

This particular day I write about was day three of our stay, day three being the notorious baby blues day when hormones are all over the shop. Tears one minute, joy the next, in short hysteria rules. For Elinor, Andrea and myself, day three was also side salad day:

Everyone knows that hospital food is crap. Well it was a source of great hilarity seeing the food put in front of us every meal. But on day three when Elinor’s lunch arrived, we could not stop laughing. You see, she’d ordered a side salad with her main. The tray was presented to her and immediately she started to chuckle. She gulped for breath before managing to announce, “Look at my side salad!” There, in the palm of her hand, lay one languishing limp lettuce leaf.

Down to earth with a bump (26) Has my newborn baby meningitis?

In the end, because of her tiny veins, we were told they’d been unable to put the line in either hand, and so had gone in through one of Esme’s feet. Instead of being able to comfort her, I found myself given a pair of scissors to cut the left foot out of her tiny sleep suit. 

At that precise point, it all hit me. 
Like the title of this tale, I came crashing down to earth with a bump. 


It seemed so wrong to have to destroy this perfect garment. It had never been worn. And only a short time prior, as I had packed it in my hospital bag, I'd imagined my baby in it, its newborn form, so brand new, so perfect. But our reality was far from perfect. 

I came to intently dislike that flip-flop. It was always there, a clumsy reminder that all was not well. Everything about it was so unfunny. That rubber sole protected the tube that erupted out of the top of Esme’s just born foot.

It was another hour before I was able to hold Esme again. 

Eventually she came back from special care, each hand black and blue, badly bruised. In a hauntingly comical way, her foot wore, what looked like her first sandal.

Thanks to the one legged sleep suit, Esme’s newly bandaged foot with its flip-flop protector now had the room it required as I dressed her for the first time. 

Still we had no idea what lay ahead for her. All we knew was that her first lot of blood tests proved she was very sick. Esme had a high white blood cell count indicating extreme infection. They told us this was more than likely meningitis. She was to have a lumbar puncture to find out exactly what the infection was, oh and countless bloods taken. From those ever so tiny veins.

Down to earth with a bump (25) - In someone else’s hands

So here I am, unable to bond with my bump for most of its term and then holding my new baby in my arms for long enough to know that I don’t ever want her out of them again, when BANG! She’s taken away. I had only just got her. I was only just waking up to the feeling of wanting her.

Having my baby removed from me remains a blur. I was on such a high from having given birth that I went along with everything in a very surreal bubble; one that totally denied the seriousness of the situation.

I first heard her scream when the doctor tried to fit a cannula in to her tiny form. I didn’t like it at all and tears sprung to my eyes. Her veins were too delicate, and so tiny, the cannula wouldn’t go in. It couldn’t go in. Yet it had to be done. But the doctor couldn’t manage it, and it was left aside for another more senior paediatric doctor to insert. And when he did, she screamed some more.

That screaming only served to reinforce my fragile bond with her and as I wiped away the tears that fell, Simon held me and I him. We were both so helpless. And both so desperate to comfort our new baby. But as we were left standing together in the background, she was taken away to Special Care.

Down to earth with a bump (24) - When baby is removed

My waters had ruptured a week before I gave birth to Esme, and she had been inside me for all that time, exposed to infection and getting drier by the day.

The risk of infection became a reality once the placenta was born; for so too was a big bag of puss. And even with all the antibiotics I had been flushed with during the birth as a precaution for both of us, our new baby daughter needed a whole lot more, for the bag of puss indicated a serious infection. I still had absolutely no clue of any of this as I stared at the bundle of beauty within my arms.

Esme had been so shocked by her delivery that she never did cry. She was of course, perfect, all 6lbs 15 of her, (hardly an elephant). As she fed from me, minutes old, it struck me how clean she was. And how dry. But of course dry, she had been in the womb losing water. And as a consequence she was quite sick. And as a consequence, she would be removed from me after only one hour of having her.

Down to earth with a bump (22) - A labour of love (6)

Fact: 16% of all births end up in a ventouse delivery

The baby's head was down far enough for the doctor to know what her next move would be: Assisted delivery in the form of ventouse. This was the last hope for our baby, prior to surgery. Simon and I were all too aware of how many midwives appeared to be in our room all of a sudden.

Simon tells me how the registrar attached the ventouse cap to the baby’s skull and then pulled. No, tugged. Get this. The doctor that delivered our baby, did so with one leg up on the bed to get herself a good purchase, literally yanking the ventouse with her entire body weight. But… What gets to me most of all when I revisit this part of the birth, is that all of that tremendous pressure was not just pulling on the ventouse. It was pulling on our baby’s head.

Down to earth with a bump (21) - To reflect and then to reflect

They say it can help spur you on. Give you renewed energy. BUT If someone tells you to look at your baby’s head as it is in the process of being born, I personally would definitely advise you against it. OMG. I was SO freaked out. Bless! What I don’t think helped the situation was that our baby was actually born back to back, never did turn and consequently came out face up. Or should I type, purple face up? Eyes wide staring, purple face up? It was the worst thing I could ever have done. SO Alien.

Down to earth with a bump (17) - A labour of love (2)

Thursday morning was spent timing contractions and walking back and forth. By mid-afternoon Simon made me phone the labour ward. We got there about five o’clock and I was immediately hooked up to a monitor. Yes labour was happening and yes, my waters had broken.

The news that they were broken truly astounded me. I realised that this meant that actually, they had more than likely been broken since our crap flask of tea experience, six days before. 

I relayed this to the midwife, tears streaming. I then remembered that at my last check the midwife had not insisted on examining me but had accepted my ‘I’m not sure. I think it’s wee,’ explanation. 

Huh, the explanation of a first time pregnant woman. Surely there’s a lesson to be learnt there? Yes, indeed, but I didn’t know at this point, just how much of a lesson.

PLEASE do NOT compromise your baby's health

Have your membranes ruptured?

Contrary to what many women think, this is not as clear cut as it seems. Yes, many women experience a tremendous gush when their waters break, but it is not always like that.

In my situation only my hind waters had broken, and hence I leaked a teeny bit of water every so often. It was easy to assume it was urine. More so, because I expected it to be far more obvious than it was. Niagra Falls style. You know; how they do it in the movies.

If your waters have gone and you aren't sure, then there really is no time left to ponder about it. You need to find out straight away. If they are broken, then your baby ought to be delivered as soon as possible, for once that protective seal is no longer intact, baby's health is compromised.

If you are in any doubt at all, please ask your midwife to check for you. 
It could make all the difference.