For me, it makes sense to find out I have Lyme Disease. You see, there have been so many pieces of puzzle... and they finally fit together. I was diagnosed yesterday. I started on the path of connecting the dots in Nov 2015. But my body has been fighting it for years longer than that. Fighting mostly on the quiet. Feeling terrible but masking it well. 2018 now and a myriad of health issues later, I feel the need to remove the mask. To say I feel shite most days and horrendous many. I suppose being diagnosed with this silent disease of epidemic proportion, brings a form of relief as well as understanding. I'm finally able to start living the rest of my Life As It Is.
Those health issues, in the last 18 months alone, include a hysterectomy, three breast lumps - all drained (the parasite lives in cyst form), continual bloating, nausea, ocular shingles...
...Glandular Fever, countless colds, coldsores, a body overrun with candida, Chronic Fatigue, muscle aches, neck pain, back pain, joint pain, starting each day with a hangover (when no alcohol has been touched), psychological crap, anxiety, short term memory loss, being unable to concentrate, losing my train of thought, words coming out as mumbo jumbo, having blurred vision, endless screaming tinnitus - and I mean both endless and screaming, balance issues, nerve tingling and numbness. I think that's it? It ain't pretty. And I've lived with many of these symptoms since I was pregnant with Esme. That'll be ten years.
It's just making sense. No wonder it's a relief.
All those times that I didn't know why I felt the way I did that now make sense.
I have spent a long time trying to work out why I was unwell with one thing after another, (along with not willingly accepting the three negative NHS Lyme Disease blood test results, not going for the lumbar puncture the GP wanted me to have to test for MS, not listening to the doctor that I needed anti-depressants. I knew there was more going on.)
Having connected the dots, and with a private, more sensitive test, I can finally see it for what it was. The symptoms of Lyme Disease... But what about those that can't afford a private test? To them I would say, listen to what it is that you feel. Trust your own instincts.
The next post I want to share is a hard hitting poem called The Here and the Hereafter, a frank, honest and shocking tale about suicide, describing how symptoms of a chronic illness can effect you to the point that taking yourself out feels a good alternative to remaining in your current state.
I wrote it five years ago, way before Lyme was on my radar. Like so many I continued my day to day life, wearing a mask and putting my many symptoms down to everything but chronic illness. I feel sad that I couldn't share it then and be true to myself. When I first posted it on this blog, I never owned up to the fact that it was about me and how I felt, although there are many other posts on Life As It Is that interpreted and voiced it in other ways. The hellish depths of depression that make you feel suicidal, are often too deep and too difficult to share - I didn't know where to begin. At the time, even my husband had no idea. Well I'd like to share it now, five years on... for those that are currently at rock bottom. For those that are so busy being strong, they fool everyone.
