Saturday, 31 January 2015

The traumatic truth about having kids - a post on birth control

The Traumatic Truth about having children is finally here...
Cutting through the sugar coated enthusiastic crap of what many think family life is like. Time to let them know what they are really in for, if and when that extra line shows up on a freshly peed upon stick.

Childless couples don't get it. They stare at your misbehaving child like you are solely to blame.

Expectant couples (with their first baby), don't get it. They can be overheard smugly talking about how different it will be when they are parents.

On the other hand, people that don't want kids – now perhaps they do get it?

If you're thinking 'get what?' Of course the answer is... the trauma, or rather, the significant traumatic event that is otherwise known as having children.




Finally you decide to go for it - and are excited to fall pregnant. You then spend nine months anticipating your precocious precious bundle.

Said bundle arrives and you are smitten. Said bundle sleeps non-stop and gurgles in between. (Or so I have heard). And you are besotted. Good job too. That bonding process really does happen for a reason – I’m reckoning mainly to prevent murder. Because...

After that you find out that life as you once knew it, is over. It is the end of many things: Putting yourself first; peace and quiet; sleeping. In short, it is the end of sanity.

For you see that beautiful bundle of a baby grows. And much like people who buy a puppy are reminded that it is for life, and not just for Christmas, people that have a baby need to be reminded that it is for life too. And will eventually do more than lie in its pram looking cute. It will walk and talk; and have a mind of its own.

It is around this point in a child’s development, that we begin to realise we’ve created a monster. (No one else did it for us). A monster that WILL take over our lives and lead us to despair. That will answer us back. That will hit us, bite us, kick us, indeed, will more than likely break us – and yes, the no sleep factor obviously plays its part. But don’t under-estimate when:

1) You'll NEVER be alone again.

2) It wipes snot all over you. And vomit. And poo. And more snot.

3) It takes your favourite food off you – until you finally resort to something you never thought you would do… mouth cramming with your head in the fridge.

4) It demands its own TV, the likes of which you will come to hate but will watch anyway, grateful of the silence that ensues from your child. Note, that while watching, you will be sat on what used to be a pristine white sofa, but is now anything but.

5) Your family complete, you will think you are in for the best Christmas days you’ve ever had. Until that is, your little one begins day care, by which time you quickly realise that a Christmas without gastric flu, is in itself a bloody miracle.

6) It is permanently grubby and either sticks to everything, or everything sticks to it. And that goes for you too.

7) It swears at you. And sometimes your neighbour. And sometimes, the town Counsellor.


9) It definitely drives you to drink, while you drive it everywhere.

10) It not only ages you; it puts years on you.

So be warned, if you are considering parenthood, think carefully about what it is you imagine your offspring will bring you. 

FOOTNOTE: I was ambivalent to becoming a mother until my first daughter made me realise the error of my ways. After which I wished for a sibling and suffered multiple miscarriages. I do understand the devastation of not being able to succeed at pregnancy, and if that happens to be you reading this, I ask you to forgive my slapstick approach to the perils of parenting.